The Talk
by blank canvas of me
Summary: Midna watches Link and Zelda's relationship progress quickly, and decides that it's her best friend duty to have a little talk with Link. You know- THE talk? It seems that casual conversation at lunch time can traumatize two blondes for life. "And how sexual would you say your relationship is?" 'W-what' 'I'll take that as a 'oh my gods, every time we're in the same room.' AU/AH.


**The Talk:**

**(Disclaimer: I do not own Legend of Zelda in any way, shape, or form.  
Zelda/Link with friendship!Midna/Link)**

***Sexual references ahead***

**AU/AH.**

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As Midna watched Link and Zelda's relationship progress slowly day after day, she realized something important in a huff of indigence.

She would have to have the talk with Link.

Yes. _That_ talk.

Midna was overly confident, which was the per usual. Nervousness nor anxiety wasn't a trait commonly seen in her. When it did appear, it hit her hard, but it was a rare occurrence. She tapped her chewed nails on the table, watching their interactions carefully. How Link's arm 'accidently' brushed against Zelda's, or how a touch to the shoulder lingered for much longer than it should of. She chewed on her lip, a smile breaking through her darkened lips. It was obvious that Link's grandmother had probably already gone over the basics, maybe even Aryll had done a little tweaking, and the health teacher had set any lingering hormones straight, but Midna found it difficult to put faith in other people. She would have to talk to Link to make sure he didn't end up going something stupid and reckless (which he did a lot) like impregnating Zelda. She'd like to think that Link was smarter than that, but let's face it- when it came to decisions like that, he was a total and absolute prude.

She ran her fingers over her knuckles, cracking some of the bones in preparation. It was duty as his best friend, correct?

Of course it was!

She took a bite of her sandwich, watching Link and Zelda playfully banter in the lunch line. They waved rather reservedly goodbye and Link came to his usual seat to Midna, while Zelda walked over to her table to sit with her twin brother Sheik.

"So, Link," she cleared her throat, biting back a smile. Was it bad that she already enjoyed putting her best friend through such embarrassment? "We have to talk."

Midna was never serious, so the blonde immediately zeroed in his attention upon her. "Okay."

"You and Zelda are getting pretty serious, right?"

"No. Not at all. We're just friends."

She brushed his defensive words off. There would be a time when they were more than just friends, that was evident enough. "Yep. Sure. Anyways, my dear bestest friend, since you are getting older and never had a father to teach you these things, I figured that we should talk."

"About...?" he inquired.

She sighed. Oblivious as ever. "A special talk. You know?" At the blank look on his face, she grit her teeth. Who knew parenting could be so hard? "Okay, you don't. Do I need to spell it out for you? I'm talking about sex."

Oh, this was not happening.

This could not be happening.

This was _so_ not happening.

Link was dreaming. Yeah, that was it. In a minute, he would wake up in his bed, sweat layering his forehead from the horrifying experience that was just about to occur. There were few things that intimidated Link. His best _female_ friend giving him the talk was definitely at the top-list. Not something that was there prior, because honestly, who could've predicted this? Link shuddered as his gothic friend smirked at him, lips laced in a mixture of purple and black. Her crimson-colored eyes were glinting in amusement. How could an innocent question 'can we talk?' lead to 'it's about sex.' To put it bluntly, he was mortified. It would still be humiliating in a less public place, but did she have to talk so damn loud? Half the Freshman were snickering at the words.

He laughed inwardly. Maybe he had misheard her. It wouldn't have been the first time. "I'm sorry, what?"

Midna arched an annoyed eyebrow. "You know, _sex_? When a boy's thingamobobber inserts a girl's-"

"OKAY." He stressed out the word, coughing loudly to drown out the rest of her words. "I get it."

Midna uncapped her water bottle. Could the boy be any more innocent-like?

He wasn't even dating Zelda. That was true. They weren't even an item, and they most-likely never would be. She was the nice, popular, intelligent girl in half his classes who had beautiful looks to accompany her well-rounded status. Her eyes were a sparkling shade of dark blue, while her hair was a dirty-blonde ash color that fell just down to the curves of her petite waist. Her ears were slightly pointed up, almost like a fairies, but Link found that made her even more endearing. She had some flaws, of course. He wouldn't like her if she was the perfect, miss. popular girl that everyone else viewed her as. She had a short-temper, often exploding if a boy got too close to her personal space. Link had to admit, he enjoyed the punches that she threatened to deliver as yet another boy failed at his advances. She had never dated. Anyone. Ever. She had the entire male-body practically worshipping the ground that she walked on, but she merely dismissed it with a polite rejection, or if they got a little too touchy-feely, a kick to the groin. She had spunk, but also had such a shyness to her that drew him in.

"You're drooling a little bit," Midna commented condescendingly, handing him a napkin. "Want to wipe that off the corner of your lip?"

His gaze shifted back to his best friend, frown deepening. "I was _not_ drooling." Still, much to his irritation, he swiped the lower part of his mouth. He could never truly be sure.

Her red-yellow hair was tied back into her usual pony-tail, eyeliner coating her unusual eyes. To be honest, his friend looked down-right evil. Many girls told her that often, and she cheered in response. For some unknown reason, his friend liked being known as the girl that lived in the shadows, her red eyes flashing with vibrant mischief. Or, in her words, part of the twilight. "Uh-huh." She sounded unconvinced, clicking her tongue playfully. "You've been gawking at her even before I brought up the topic."

Damn. He had been hoping to change the subject. "We're not even a thing!" he protested. "She doesn't even know I exist."

Midna's lips twisted into that half-grin that always worried him. "Were you not just flirting it up in the lunch line?"

His cheeks burned, but she could see the small, pleased smile that he was trying to fight back down. "Don't know what you mean."

"Oh, trust me. She notices you. Zelda has a thing for you. Maybe even more so than you, although that might be a little too drastic."

Link shook his head, his blonde hair falling into his blue eyes. "I would notice if she were looking at me."

"Nope."

"And why not?"

"Because guys are dense."

"You're dense too!" he defended. "Remember when Sheik gawked at you last year? You didn't even know until I told you. And even then you wouldn't believe me!"

"Okay," Midna heaved a deep breath, her pale cheeks flaring. "I'm oblivious when other people like me. I pay special attention to the girls that stare at you."

Link's eyebrows furrowed together in a mask of confusion. "Why?"

"Because they're competition," she replied, matter-of-factly. "I can't have my best friend getting stolen away from me by some lip-gloss wearing bimbo. I usually don't like them; most of them are, well...sluts." Link's eyes widened at this. Midna rarely dropped that term, and it was only when she was getting really steamed up. "But I've watched Zelda for a while now. And I've deduced that I like her. I give you permission to let her join our circle."

"_You _give _me_ permission?" he quipped incredulously, choking back laughter at the short girl in front of him.

She grinned, flashing her white teeth and leaning back casually in the chair. "Yep. But before that happens, I have to tell you some stuff. Can't have you getting her pregnant, now, can I?"

Link's cheeks flamed, turning a brilliant shade of red. "Really, Mid, that's okay." Her face soured at the nickname he had dropped. "My grandma already gave me the talk a long time ago-"

"See?" she cut him off. "A long time ago. You need a refresher. Don't look like you're about to melt into the floor, Link." Oh, how he wished he was. "This is just as embarrassing for me as it is for you."

He highly doubted that.

"Okay, here we go." Midna opened up her notebook and ripped a piece of paper clumsily from it. She uncapped her pen, quickly scribbling down something. "This..." she announced proudly, admiring her work. "Is a malethingyabob."

"Oh, goddesses," he groaned, raking his hands through his waves of blonde hair. "There's going to be diagrams? Midna, look, I appreciate what you're trying to do and all- but I've been to health class. I get it. I know. And why are you having this conversation with me? You're younger than I am!"

She waved her hand, black-painted fingernails darting across his line of vision. "Oh, puh-lease. Those teachers don't know what they're talking about. Heck, I bet all of Hyrule that Mr. Grecon hasn't gotten laid in over ten years. Point it, this is a different time. A different generation. A place where younger, less prude(y) teenagers can teach their sexually deprived friends about how not to get an STD."

He was officially traumatized.

After swallowing down the nervous lump in his throat, Link managed to roll his eyes at Midna's dramatic antics. "I know everything there is to know. Condom, protection, safety, HIVs, blah, blah, blah."

Midna's eyes flashed dangerously. "Oh? So did they mention to tell you what to do if a certain blonde-haired beauty suddenly sat on your lap and started straddling you?"

Link choked on his water, liquid spluttering everywhere. "We-" he rasped out. "Are not having this conversation." His gaze turned firm. "_Ever_. Especially not with you, Midna."

She stretched back, popping her knuckles. "Oh, Linky-poo, it's gonna happen. Now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. What's it going to be?"

The hard way, apparently. Link was already half way out of his chair, making a frantic dash for the cafeteria exit. Unfortunately for him, he underestimated the girl's reflexes as her arm shot out and held his wrist in a death grip. "Sit down, Link," she stated in a sugary-sweet voice, "Or I'll tell everyone that you write Zelda's future husband all over your notebooks."

Link stared at her, aghast. "That's not even true!"

"So what? We'll just leave it up to the unfair, but always cruel opinion that is High School. Let's see how fast 'future husband' turns into elopement in Hyrule."

He stared at her smirk evenly for a minute before sighing and sitting down, burying his head into his hands. "I can't believe this is happening." He stole a glance at the clock. Fifteen more minutes of this endless torture.

She cackled victoriously, drawing something else down. "And this- is a girl'sthingyabob."

Okay, anyone who called private parts thingyabobs was clearly clueless.

"Why are you educating me on sex when you know just as little about it as I do?"

Midna's smirk grew.

"Oh, gods and goddesses. You did not!"

"I did," she replied in a casual tone, throwing her nearly orange pony-tail over her shoulder. "Three times. And from what I hear, I'm pretty damn good at it."

Wha-?

What?

WHAT?

Link's eyes seemed to bulge from their sockets as he gauged in his best friend since grade school. How did Midna, the anti-social girl who never attended parties because they were for 'chumps' as she so poetically stated, managed to score a guy before her older friend (who was, coincidentally him) had yet to even talk to a girl, let alone even touch their shoulder? After he got past the abrupt spark of shock, he continued to gape at his friend, still processing that Midna was 1. not a virgin, 2. not a virgin _before him _and 3. how did he not manage to pick up this information? Didn't they tell each other everything and anything, down to the last degrading detail. "How-what- you never told me!"

"Sh," she silenced him, casting Link a worried look. His usual skin tone was turning blue rapidly fast. "Chill out. It's not that big of a deal. And close you're mouth; you'll catch flies." The blonde instantly clamped his mouth shut. "To be quite honest with you, the first time wasn't anything special."

He shook his head rapidly. "Who? With who?" Link tried to reason with himself that he was curious, not that he was beginning to act like a sixteen-year-old teenage girl. Midna flashed her teeth, making a signal of locking her lips and throwing away the key. "Fine," he complained, slightly disappointed at the lack of details. He didn't necisarly want to know what went on in the bedroom- or car- or couch- wherever- with his best friend (who he happened to be particularly protective over) and some guy that possibly went to Goran High. Quite frankly, he'd rather forget this conversation altogether. "Don't tell me."

Midna rolled her eyes, prodding him with a pen and laughing like a banshee. "Ha! Gotcha!"

Link snapped up.

"You should've seen the look on your face! Bhahahah! As if I'd actually do it three times already! Hahaha!"

Link glared. "You're a jerk."

"Call me whatever you want- anything is worth that idiotic, dumbstruck expression on your face. So gullible, Link." She shook her head in disbelief, bringing the pen down to the pad of paper once more. "This is a condom." She drew a squiggle down on the paper.

"That's not what it looks like," Link scrutinized, analyzing over her shoulder.

Midna glowered at him, before breaking out into another fresh smile. She hunched over the paper, looking up at her friend with questioning eyes. "How sexual would you say your relationship is?"

Link spluttered. "W-what?"

"I'll take that as a 'ohmygods, every time we're in the same room!'"

The red on his face was seriously starting to contrast with his blue eyes and blonde hair. "N-no! That has never happened!"

"Have you ever seen Zelda naked?"

"What? No!"

"I'll take that as a yes."

"That was _not _a yes!"

"Has she ever seen you naked?"

"What kind of question is that?" he demanded as she filled out a few quick notes.

Midna flicked her pen up against her chin. "Avoiding the question with another question...hm. I'll take that as a yes as well. We're in serious red-zone, Link. For all I know, you two could be undressing each other with your eyes and I would never know it."

"...You're a pervert, Midna."

She shrugged, stretching. "Having sex is like playing cards. You can't do much without the right hand."

"Disgusting. Perverted. How have I been friends with you all these years and never knew what a perv you were? Where did you even here that?"

The next ten minutes, she told him about girl's monthly visit, made him re-experience everything he had learned from his grandma, (and more) as well as ten types of STDs and their side-effects. Link had teared up throughout parts of it, but he had composed himself, even if all the color had drained from his cheeks and looked ready to pass out at any moment.

Zelda suddenly walked past them, wafting her honey-scented perfume that instantly turned Link's brain to mush, carrying her empty red tray to the garbage can to dispose of her leftovers. "Hey, Zelda," Midna chirped.

The blue-eyed girl smiled slightly, stopping at the sight of the gothic girl. "Hey, Midna. How's it going?"

"Oh, great," she proclaimed in a purposely loud voice, wrapping her skinny arm around Link's shoulder and crookedly smiling at him. "Just educating my good friend here on the wonders of sex."

Zelda paused, her eyes shining in shock. Link blushed rapidly, beginning to stammer. "Midna!" he seethed. "Stop!"

"Oh, yeah, and by the way," she dropped her voice to a stage-whisper. "If you and Link ever decide to pop the cherry, do the deed, or whatever you want to call it, just trust that you won't get pregnant. I've ensured it!"

"Uh, thanks?" Zelda eyed Link warily, who was beginning to slink into his chair. "I- I mean, I guess? What was the question again?"

"Kids these days," Midna shook her head, and Link was too mortified to tell her that she was younger than the both of them. She grabbed Zelda by the wrist and tugged her down in the middle of them, flashing her the poorly-drawn diagram. "Now I need to teach you how _not_ to make Link cry through sex!"

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**A/N: I just finished playing Twilight Princess, and this is the result. I was planning on writing something feelsy and angsty about the ending, but I started writing, and this is what happened. My poor attempt at humor. Next LOZ story will be majorly depressing, but I just had this plot-bunny and I couldn't shake it. If you liked it (or even if you didn't) feel free to drop in a review, follow, or favorite at any time! :)**


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